The Wahl Manscaper is an awful piece of technology I cannot fail to recommend to those who love grooming and spend restless nights dreaming of devoting the rest of their lives to doing so. It’s the kind of thing that makes one regret the Industrial Revolution. What can be done in minutes with a razor can be stretched out for days or even months with this thing.

Because I’m on a boat (and not a cruise ship, mind you; the kind in which waves can be felt), and I like to stay mostly clean shaven, I needed some kind of device which would allow me to achieve a similar effect without slicing my face into a sort of abstract skin collage. A razor, I figured, was not going to be too handy on the waves—at least for someone as inexperienced in mobile shaving as myself. So I went to a shave shop, and being short on time, simply picked the most generic looking grooming device I could find. It seemed as though most of the clippers on sale were decorated with lavish floral designs or other undesirably intricate patterns (that may have something to do with the fact that I went to a place called “Sally’s” which, somewhat predictably, mostly caters to women. What can I say? I was short on time.)

The Manscaper, a word I am loathe to use in any capacity, came with a whole three attachments: a buzzer, a “shaver,” and a much smaller buzzer that is almost impossible to manipulate and which I believe from the packaging details is somewhat important to the imaginary so-called art of “manscaping.”

There were a couple of early warning signs that should have clued me into the fact that I had walked into a trap. The first was the name. “Manscaping” is a portmanteau that need not exist as several better words are already in use; it’s frankly a stupid and embarrassing term. Whoever came up with that one should be exiled to the Siberian wastes. So to see it on a package should have been the first sign that all was not as it appeared to be. But, being in a hurry, I didn’t read the label—I just looked at the picture. The second was that the cashier told me there was a strict no refund policy for all buzzers, shavers, clippers, etc. The third came when I got back home and opened the box to find that it was made of the same kind of cheap and disgusting plastic used to make some of the knock-off action figures that were a feature of my childhood.

But cheap plastic, whilst revolting to the senses, doesn’t necessarily mean a device won’t work well—though it usually does. And it’s not like I could return the thing, anyway. So I gave it a shot. I hadn’t shaved for a few days so I started with the buzzer, which I incorrectly assumed would be the most effective of the included attachments. I was very wrong. It cut the hair unevenly and left sickly looking patches on my neck, near my chin, and around my jawline. The other buzzer I have, which is not battery powered and as such had to stay at home, has never had this problem. Then I tried out the other two attachments. The shaver was promising at first. Where it did work it actually almost looked like I had shaved. But it too left some nasty patches which were even more despicable given that they were now surrounded by smooth, hairless, skin. The last attachment I tried was the little buzzer (it has a name but I don’t have the manual with me and I honestly do not care what it is called). This one is only good for cleaning up the mess that the other two have inevitably left and even in that capacity is next to useless. From its shape and angle I would guess it’s supposed to be for cutting intricate designs into one’s beard—but I have absolutely no interest in that.

Regardless, my focus must be on the shaver since that is what I bought the thing for. I left the other two attachments, being completely instead of mostly useless, back at home. The shaver works better than the others given that one has a lot of time to kill. Using circular motions one can be rid of most stubble with a couple days work. What one cannot do with the thing is target the many individuals hairs it will refuse to eliminate. These must be either ignored, which will become very irritating if you ever touch your face, plucked, or shaved with a razor—which seems to be the kind of thing a device such as this was supposed to circumvent.

I do have to note that my first test was conducted under less than ideal conditions. According to the user manual, you’re supposed to charge the device for the entirety of a night before attempting to use it. I did this before its second use and the performance did improve slightly but not nearly enough to make purchasing the thing worthwhile.

You’ll notice that I haven’t mentioned the price. That’s because it’s truly embarrassing and I’m deeply ashamed that I spent what I did on this horrible, horrible, device. I wasn’t thinking properly, to say the least. I plead temporary insanity or demonic possession. No other causes that I can think of are as obvious or explicable.

I can only recommend this “Manscaper” to A) independently wealthy, non-employed, bachelors whose hobbies include shaving and nothing else; or B) individuals who hate themselves to such a degree that they feel they must buy a clipper to match. I’d recommend purchasing this as a gift for someone you hate if it wasn’t so expensive. Maybe steal the thing; no honest establishment should make a profit off of this. It’s like profiting from child murder. I’m not exaggerating. I’m telling you my opinion and that opinion happens to be the truth.

In any event, the fact that—after I spent two hours scraping my face with the shaver—I had to finish off with a razor should be warning enough to anyone else to stay away. Remember that I have suffered for you. And should you fail to heed my warning you’ll be rejected even from hell.