God, the renowned bestselling author—who has reportedly enrolled in a twelve step program—decided to discuss his past and present drug use in his memoir, Even God Can’t Be Perfect…One of his most shocking revelations? The world was made with the helping hand of the popular stimulant, “cocaine.”
“I think it was actually the first thing I made,” said God, running his fingers through his beard. “I don’t think I could have finished the world in six days without it…”
God said his recollection of the first four days is relatively serene; erecting mountains, animals, rivers and streams, trees, grass…God’s attention to detail at this point was truly admirable. “I remember those days pretty well, those first four days,” God said. “I think I peaked on the fourth day when I made Everest. Those were times to remember.”
The fifth through the seventh days, however, are clouded by a frantic and impenetrable blur. God said that by the fifth day his psyche had become so warped and distorted by sleepless nights and “mountainous” piles of cocaine that he began designing some of the Earth’s strangest or most loathsome creatures; the blobfish, the ichthyosaur, the platypus, the skunk, and the mosquito among others.
“I was on the verge of total insanity,” God said. “All I remember of the sixth day was burying these giant lizard bones all over the place. And I started to think that people were coming after me.”
Of the seventh day, God said: “I thought I was a goner—I crashed completely—just fell asleep on this big rock. I woke up a couple eons later and was supremely surprised at what I found.”
But God is looking better than ever now; he’s stoic and refined, with curly white hair and a well trimmed beard. He’s basically unrecognizable from his former self, represented by a telling picture¹ from 2004 where we can see him dirty, exhausted, and emaciated—scrounging for loosies and cash on the streets of Brooklyn.
God remarked that his financial situation has benefited from his new teetotaler lifestyle. Now that he’s saving money that would have in the past been spent on drugs and loosies, the cash flow from millions of churches, temples, synagogues, and mosques can now be put to better use.
“I’m a changed man.” God told me. He smiled. The whites of his eyes gleamed with an unimaginable light. “And now, I’m ready to change the world.”
Even God Can’t Be Perfect is slated for release on August 4th of next year and will be available in “every bookstore on the Earth,” according to God himself. The book also includes tales of poker games with Bhaal and Poseidon (both of whom tragically died from lack of faith in 1932 and 2006 respectively), late night conversations with former U.S. President George W. Bush, a list of get rich quick schemes he claims to work, and a long and heartfelt apology to women and victims of religious violence.
¹ This picture appears to have gone missing after our offices were raided by a number of mercenary priests.