Month: July 2016

The Future of Surveillance Made Just for You

Have you ever worried—compared to that all imposing jury of your peers—your house might be too small, your hands too large, or that you might just have no idea what you’re doing with your life?

Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech is the solution you’re looking for.

Though there are plenty of data-analysis companies out there, very few are available to the average consumer—and fewer still are affordable. For just $5.99 a month, Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech can provide personalized information for individuals and small businesses on anything from the most recent fashion trends and the most widespread psychological conditions to the average digit length of various racial communities in the United States.

Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech can also provide statistical information on your neighbors and their pets, the dimensions of their genitalia as compared to yours (similar information can be provided regarding their pets), the exact amount of money in their bank account, their political views, health records, likelihood to prosecute other individuals (including their neighbors), gun licenses, criminal record, current whereabouts and so much more.

“There’s … [like] … ‘information’ … [from Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech],” said one Bruo Pringol, a satisfied customer. “I like … [Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech].”

For consumers harboring some reservations about the company’s services due to perceived infringements on individual privacy, Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech has a number of incredible non-intrusive techniques to get the job done when normal methods just won’t cut it.

“We’re pretty good at respecting people’s privacy,” said Don Hagle, Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech founder and CEO. “At the office we like to call ourselves a ‘privacy-friendly intelligence firm.’ If we think we might be crossing some kind of line looking into someone or some kind of information, there are hundreds of other companies we can sub-contract to complete the order.”

“We have high moral standards. Those are hard to come by these days,” he said. “The most important thing is that our customers think they’re okay with themselves.”

But there’s so much more. Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech prides itself on its expediency. In fact, it has been rated by several organizations to be the fastest information gathering service available to the average consumer. A recent study done by the Harvard School of Business concluded that there is “nothing like it” on the market.

Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech has one more thing going it for to distinguish itself from competitors: It’s fun. Utilizing the same augmented reality technologies that allowed Pokemon Go to burst into the scene of popular entertainment, Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech’s mobile platforms allows for data-gathering and analysis wherever you might be. Cool awards, virtual medals, and achievements can be displayed on your public scoreboard—and you can get cash bonuses and cool prizes for scoring “one-ups” on fellow users and neighbors.

“I never really thought I’d be a good private detective,” said Harry Bonsom, a customer who quit his day job as a laundromat operator to become a private eye. “I tried to break into the field at least a dozen times. But I just could never get past all the paperwork: Boring.

“But Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech helped me out a big deal. Oh, it’s just a hoot. I was able to out my neighbor’s masturbation habits in three days—and now I just qualified for the company’s drone program!”

Did someone say drone program?

Keep your pants on readers: Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech’s long awaited drone program is ready to go gold!

For a limited time, new customers will get a free thirty day trial with Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech’s upcoming drone program. Police from the skies with the company’s brand new fleet of high-altitude Global-Hawk series drones. Or, if your eye-sight is failing, you can choose from their low-altitude Raven fleet. Each drone comes equipped with infrared cameras and augmented reality software tied into their robust social media platform; customers can really get the lay of the land.

“We have a drone for everybody,” Hagle said. “And the cool thing is you’ll be able to pilot them from your tablet or laptop or even your smart-phone. I live in Los Angeles and let me tell you the commute to work can get pretty bad out there. Just goofing around with your Global-Hawk really takes the shit out of a traffic jam. Ever wonder, just for fun, who’s in that car next to you? Our Global-Hawks, let me tell you, they can answer that in a snap.

“Did I mention you can name your drone?”

The best part about all this is everything you find out with your new drone is transmitted immediately to the U.S. Government‘s (editor here: please delete this … said in prompt “do mention government computer.” meant “do not” … my mistake … also please do not forget to delete this note, copy editor quit this morning—took espresso machine with him—so we don’t have anybody … this is last look. Thanks.) Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech’s central processing computer for immediate analysis. Company experts will have a briefing ready for you in less than three days—and you’ll get a refund on your last month’s subscription if they’re even a minute late.

But don’t let me ruin everything for you. There are so many services and benefits that come from a Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech subscription that it would just really ruin the surprise if I was to tell you about all of them. So what are you waiting for? Don’t you want to know what your neighbor, the Muslim, is up to? Or maybe you just need to find out why your partner is an hour late coming home every day.

Who knows? Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech does.

And so could you.

Sign up today and receive a $25 gift certificate with Nu-Bo-Sci-Tech’s partners at the GAP.

NEIU Connected to Blue Bike Network…Divvy Lands on St. Louis; Brings Discount

Originally published in the NEIU Independent on Oct. 6 2015

If there’s any single experience common to the whole NEIU community, it’s the commute. On any given day — whether it’s on foot, by wheels or on rails — students, staff and faculty alike condemn themselves to an indefinitely long hiatus in public or private transit. Since its mid-summer arrival on campus, Chicago’s Divvy bike-share program can be counted among the transit options available to the community.

The new Divvy station replaced about two-and-a-half cars worth of parking space on the St. Louis and Balmoral avenues intersection just north of Bernard Brommel Hall (BBH). Equipped with the capacity to dock and recharge 15 bikes, it connects NEIU and the surrounding neighborhood to a total of 475 stations spread throughout the city — 175 of which, including the St. Louis station, were installed as part of a large-scale expansion launched last spring.

The expanded network spans some 18 miles between its northern and southernmost points. New stations can be found as far north as Clark and Touhy and as far south as Jeffrey Blvd and 76th street.

“I’m really happy it’s here,” said Matt Specht, Dean of Students. “For the longest time our students didn’t have any access because Divvy wasn’t this far north.”

Divvy’s Student Membership Discount, a deal reducing the annual rate of $75 to $55, was made available to NEIU students shortly into the fall semester. Graduate and undergraduate students are eligible, but there is no equivalent discount offered for faculty or staff.

Specht set up the discount with a representative from Divvy around the same time the bike-share network expanded into the area surrounding NEIU.

“The student discount has been set up for universities across Chicago,” Specht said. “So when they decided to come north of Lawrence (Avenue), it was natural that Northeastern be a part of their discount program.”

George Mason, a senior at NEIU, was in the market for a $1000 bicycle before he decided Divvy was ultimately more convenient and affordable.

“The $20 (off) is worth it,” Mason said. “Even the full price is worth it. I’ve saved a lot of time by doing Divvy, and a lot of money, and a lot of stress. A lot of students don’t make a lot of money, but our time is really worth something and Divvy helps out a whole lot with that.”

Some students, however, may be eligible to apply for Divvy For Everyone, a one-time, $5-annual membership available to individuals and families from low-income households. This discount was implemented alongside the bike-share program to extend the company’s commercial base into typically low-income neighborhoods and to attract customers finding Divvy’s base rates unaffordable.

D4E is only available to first time subscribers, so students may want to a see if they’re eligible first before purchasing a discounted student membership.

Other than the reduced annual rate, the student discount is functionally identical to a normal annual membership. Both memberships charge the same scaling overtime fees for trips longer than 30 minutes: Starting at $1.50 for any trip lasting between 30-60; then $4.50, for those between 60-90 minutes; and finally $6 for every additional 30 minutes beyond that.

The implication is that Divvy is best used for short trips — or for longer ones planned to take advantage of the bike-share network itself. The runtime of a trip is reset whenever the bike is docked at a Divvy station. This loophole is easily exploited, as long as a rider is within 30 minutes of another station, and can be used to make long distance trips without incurring overtime fees.

But data made available on Divvy’s website leaves some indication of the overall usage of NEIU’s St. Louis and Balmoral station.

Between the months of May and June, a total of 197 trips were made to or from the St. Louis Avenue station. Of those trips, 102 were departures and 80 were arrivals. Another 15 departed from St. Louis and Balmoral avenues and returned to that same station. The most common connection was with the Christiana and Lawrence avenues station located next to the Kimball Brown Line with a total of 56 trips made between them. By comparison, only 20 trips were made between St. Louis Avenue and the Clark Street and Winnemac Avenue station — the second most common connection.

“It’s good for point-to-point transportation,” Mason said. “With Divvy you don’t have to plan a bike ride. You can just be out at one point and have a transportation need, or just miss a bus, or not have the money for a cab — and you look to your right and there’s a Divvy station. It’s highly convenient. In fact, I cancelled the purchase of that bicycle and do Divvy now.”

The versatility of the bike-share program — or, at the very least, the industriousness of its users — evident through the variety of destinations, the duration of trips and distances traversed by Divvy riders. The longest trip beginning and ending at the St. Louis Avenue station lasted approximately four hours and 38 minutes. Another rider took only four minutes to get from St. Louis Avenue to Ridgeland Boulevard and Touhy Avenue.

But the value of the station is ultimately limited by its location.

The St. Louis Avenue station is situated on the Northwestern edge of Divvy’s operational network. While the nearest stations to the east are barely half-a-mile away, the closest station southwest of NEIU, on Keystone and Montrose avenues is about a mile and a half away. There are no stations at all directly west or north of the University and it’s likely to remain so until Divvy launches another major expansion.

The Divvy bike-share program is a private-public partnership owned by the Chicago Department of Transportation (CDOT) and operated by an American bike-sharing firm called Motivate — a private company responsible for the design and operation of similarly large-scale bike-share programs in cities such as New York City; Melbourn, Australia; Boston, Massachusetts; Washington DC; and Columbus, Ohio.

Playing a Game Wrong: Planetside 2

Originally published in the NEIU Independent on Jan. 27 2014.

There are varying degrees to which the rules of a game can be stretched. There are very good reasons you’ll never see Lebron James take to court on an ATV and the world is probably better for it. But outside of professional sports, in the relatively low-risk — though let’s not forget those unfortunate souls obliterated from starvation, sleep-deprivation, over-stimulation or dehydration on some ill-fated raid in World of Warcraft — realm of online video games it can sometimes be fun, sometimes more fun than intended, to throw up your hands and play a game the wrong way.

Planetside 2, since it was released as a free-to-play game in 2012, is one of the few games that promises something close to a full battlefield experience. In a moment you can run a field — tracer bullets, aircraft and heavy ordinance above your head dividing the night sky — step on a landmine, explode, hop in a small aircraft (or a large one, if that better suits your style) and fly off to the other side of the world to drop bombs and shout obscenities over a microphone.

The game spans four painstakingly crafted miles-wide continents. Battles rage on and between them with the potential for thousands of players to participate at any time. They have at their disposal, trucks, jeeps, tanks, bombers and four varieties of aircraft with which to gain the upper hand. You can be a sniper, battlefield medic, an engineer or a rifleman, among other roles — and the game encourages and rewards players for working in tandem to overcome battlefield obstacles.

That being said: There’s a lot of wasted space in Planetside 2.

Between and beyond every blood-soaked battle there are sun-drenched fields sparsely populated by trees. There are mangrove jungles and vast deserts marred by ravines and granite spires. There lie lush valleys and lakes nestled amongst the crags of resolute and forlorn mountain ranges. All of these were, ostensibly, hand-crafted — and there’s no logical reason to set foot in more than a handful of these locales.

Sometimes, standing atop a watchtower overlooking one of those valleys, you might think, “What if I was to leave this horrible war? Pick up my things and start a gentle cherry farm in that valley yonder, amidst the lakes and the trees and those glowing pink ferns that dot the land between them.”

This is a feature not supported in the game. There is no escape from the war. The man described above will spend eternity continuously bombed, bludgeoned, sniped, shot at point-blank-range and ground into the road by inconsiderate tank drivers.

Like urban-bowling — a devious and frowned upon sport outside of simulated reality — through pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto, exploring these oft-ignored regions of Planetside 2 can be a fun distraction from the trivial banalities of life. While you might hop online to jump deep into the ultra-violence, you could find yourself just as satiated driving the Jeep-like Harasser through fields of daisies or off-road desert fantasies.

There are few players willing to bother you in these distant and secluded stretches of the wilderness. In the real world, driving a Jeep off a monumental cliff or wandering mindlessly through an expanse of swampy desolation will likely end in fiery destruction or the mouth of a reptile. In Planetside 2, death is easily avoidable when vacationing from the glare of machine-gun fire and swooping predatory bombers. The worst that can happen is you’ll get bored.

On the Importance of Filler

Originally published in the NEIU Independent on March 31 2015.

A wise man once wrote: “Filler is the spice of life.” And, of course, he wasn’t wrong. Filler makes up some 90 percent of matter in the universe.

Siberia is filler, and without its desolate touch the geography of Russia would be a degree less impressive. Most of the world is filler according to Manifest Destiny, and it can safely be said that the Sea People, who neglected to record their history, name, or any documentation of their conquest of the Balkans, North Africa and the Near East promptly became filler for the civilizations following their path through history.

Dark matter is filler, and it accounts for most of the universe; spread in great and invisible clouds between clusters of galaxies.

This article is filler—nobody, not even its author, can deny that.

Filler is an inescapable part of our world, and as such should not be taken for granted.

Filler keeps your most precious treasures safe. Without the foam peanut, one of the Earth’s most notorious and environmentally destructive kinds of filler, millions upon millions of packages would be turned to useless rubble and lost in the dark recesses of UPS trucks and the luggage compartments of airplanes.

Your grandmother’s prize vase, a priceless relic barely saved from a herd of fascists during the Spanish Civil War, would now be a Frankenstein monster of duct tape, ceramic shards and Elmer Glue. It would never have inspired the awe of countless children, cousins and uncles — and it never would have earned her a new kidney on the Antiques Roadshow.

The good part of a Twinkie, or any kind of Danish for that matter, is the filler. Most of your selections at McDonald’s fill the time between a better meal, and most of McDonald’s food is actually made from some twisted kind of filler itself.

When there’s a hole in your apartment’s wall, you find something to fill it before the next time the landlord comes around. Maybe it’s plaster. Maybe it’s caulk. It might be a strategically placed flag or poster. In any event; it’s all filler.

Even people can be filler. Those who stand in front of you in line as you lug one of those webbed bags full of grapefruit, or those who bog down the Dan Ryan during rush hour—what are they if not filler?

This, in effect, makes filler of us all.

And why shouldn’t we be? Filler is important. You couldn’t drive very far if your tires weren’t filled with air, and the astronauts aboard the International Space Station would have a hard time working if it wasn’t filled with air as well. The world would be a drab and lonesome waste without filler, and we’re all better off for having it here.